My Birthday (weight-loss) Promise

Inspiration from others

2011-07-14T07:54:00.000-07:00

Mary, who blogs over at A Merry Life, has been talking a lot lately about emotions, therapy, and binge eating- and how they relate to one another. As I struggle with motivation for weight loss - which also relates to motivation to move forward in my life - I also struggle with late night binge eating. Eating and eating because I like the taste and textures in my mouth. I don't binge like I used to, there is some more restraint now than there was before, but last night I ate almost half a pound of (delicious) pasta. I just didn't want to stop, because it was so delicious.

I don't really have any ability to be self-reflective about it right now, besides that I agree with Mary: emotions and binge eating are related. Except binge eating is also my mechanism for curing boredom. I just don't know, and I just want to be done with unhealthy eating. I'm going to steal Janetha's wisdom of the day:

“Do something about it. When something is troubling you, make the commitment to change it. Then begin to act on that decision right away. Some of the influences in your life are under your control, and many of those influences are outside your control. Yet you can always decide upon and put into action a positive response to anything.

Don’t sit around being amazed at how miserable you are and at how unfairly life is treating you. Instead, be amazed at how quickly and effectively you can do something about it.

Don’t complain to others about how tough it is for you. Instead, inspire them with your positive and enthusiastic attitude and actions.

When the world feels all wrong, that’s a valuable signal. It’s your way of telling yourself to get going and make a difference.

You have plenty of good options if you’ll simply make the effort to find them. Pick the best one, get busy putting it into action, and take positive control of your world.”

-Ralph Marston

Why lose weight?

2011-07-11T07:22:00.000-07:00

Before Kate, I wanted to lose weight to have someone hot to date. After dating and then marrying Kate, it appears that not all hot girls and guys need someone thin in return. Ever since falling madly in love, the drive for weight loss has diminished. It feels shocking, but Kate loves me just as I am. So, why lose weight?

My thighs are competing for the finish line, one big mass fighting for space against the other. There is too much fat for them to co-exist peacefully, so my legs are constantly warring between themselves. My body is lethargic and I have a constant ache in the small of my back. Most of all, I am unhappy with how my body looks and feels. Yet, all of this doesn’t motivate me to eat healthily.

But today it struck me, eating unhealthy makes me unhappy. I am good at making choices that make me happy, except around food. That instantaneous relief floods over me, and my regret at my weight doesn’t seem to correlate with catharsis eating. But I don’t want to be unhappy, and that’s what unhealthy eating compels me towards.

I feel like I have a new motivational tool against binge eating (all I did this weekend), a reason why I should put down the carb and pick up a book. All too often I don’t have a compelling reason to be healthier, but my happiness is a priority, and I want to be a happier person.

This analysis is brought to you by this week’s gain:

Weight: 206.0

Week’s weight loss: +.4

Total weight loss: -.2

This is not working

2011-07-07T07:05:00.000-07:00

Weight: 205.6

Week’s weight loss: +2.4

Total weight loss: -.6

I know why I struggle at night. I'm still not used to being with someone else. I miss my alone time. It's my time to focus and move forward. This is a problem that Kate and I know about, but I seem not to have the willpower to change - newly married life has become a lovely, all-consuming feelings lovefest that I hear makes others nauseous to be around. (Hint: we have our own songs, and fight about who's nicer/hotter/sweeter/funnier/luckier.)

So this week sucked on the weight loss front. Next week will be better. I'm going to have a "mini week" from now until Monday. Checking in on Thursday does not motivate me.

Over this mini week I will:

Not eat in front of the TV - Even if I want this rule to really be DON'T WATCH TV that hasn't been happening. So I will address the actual problem of EATING in front of the TV. It relates to my next rule:
All meals will happen at the table (if we're home) - and kick that ridiculous munching habit away. If I'm hungry, eat. If I'm emotionally hungry, pause.

Those are my two rules for the next few days. That's it. Nothing to do with weight, because while I'd like to lose some, I don't really feel confident I can, and I need to build my confidence up right now.

Evening snacking

2011-07-06T06:57:00.000-07:00

My evenings have lately been filled with TV and snacks. Even though I know it's not healthy for me - physically or mentally - after I return from work I simply don't want to think or do anything. So we put up an episode of Ugly Betty and eat some popcorn or - like last night - cinnamon toast crunch.

This needs to stop. It doesn't make me happy. It doesn't make me healthy. And it doesn't make me feel refreshed, which is the point of sitting down and resting. I just don't know how to fill my evenings lately, and it's resulted in a lot of TV, even though there are so many things still left over to do from the wedding.

So, tonight: I will not watch TV. I will go outside and do something active, even if it's just walking around. I will be productive. And that will make me happy (and healthy!)

Weekend binge

2011-07-05T07:50:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I got really stressed out about our upcoming move. Coupled with the lack of sleep, I did not take very good care of my body this weekend. I ate too much, and I thought about how it was self-destructive the whole time. But I did it, it's done, and now let's move on.

My work out this morning was hard. It was really warm, my iPod's gone (stolen) and I am sleep deprived from this weekend. My weight's up considerably, and I'm feeling unprepared for the week. I made lasagna for lunch, and I calculated the calories after it was in the oven - 500 calories per slice! Not the best ever. But it's full of veggies and extra, super delicious.

But it's a new work week, and I can make healthy decisions from here on out!

Week re-cap

2011-06-30T07:09:00.000-07:00

Weight: 203.2

Week’s weight loss: -3.0

Total weight loss: -3.0

It's been a week since I began to focus on weight loss/healthy eating again. My goals were really important to me – Kate and I both paid attention to them, and tried to accommodate them into our schedules. (Kate and I are constantly attached at the hip; we share one calendar.) I feel like after a week, I’m ready to move onto some more goals, some of which are also health related.

Last week’s goals were:

1. Lose a pound - SUCCESS

I didn’t just lose one pound – I lost three! My starting weight was 206.2, and I ended three pounds lower, at 203.2.

2. Count calories every day this week. Do not stop on the weekend – 6/7

Every day, but Saturday. Pride got in the way, and I’m okay with that.

3. Count calories every evening, before I go to bed – 5/7

This only got done because of Kate. She’s really great at reminding me. It’s hard to count calories when you know you’re over.

This week’s goals will look very similar to last week’s:

1. Lose a pound (or two, or three)

2. Count calories every day this week. Do not stop on the weekend.

3. Count calories every evening, before I go to bed.

4. Make healthy, not pre-packaged lunch.

Day 6

2011-06-29T07:31:00.000-07:00

Losing weight with Kate is unlike anything I've ever done before. She constantly asks me questions that I may find rude from others, but I find endearing and well-meant from her. Yesterday, there was free ice cream - FREE ICE CREAM - on our way to BART. I asked Kate, "Should I get some ice cream?" and she responded with "Do you have the calories? Because if you do - you definitely should." I didn't, and it took that conversation to remind me that I had a healthier option. And - even better - she wouldn't have judged me if I had gotten the ice cream.

This week has been amazing. I've only gone over my calories once so far. A mix of exercise, planning, and eating well has really enabled me to be successful so far this week. Having felt like a failure (on the food front) for much of the past year, it's been amazing to take control - and still get to eat goodies. And it's been great to be able to share it with Kate, who's calorie counting too. I'm impressed with LiveStrong, though their website could be more friendly to people who want to share meals and food with one another. (I'm wantonfrolick if you want to look me up.)

Pride weekend

2011-06-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

Dyke march, Pink Saturday, and Sunday's parade - it was non-stop rainbows this weekend. My eating wasn't awful, and I even counted calories on Sunday. (Saturday I munched all day - even my best guess would be ridiculously off.) Almost every weekend this year I have gained weight on the weekend, and this is the first time that I can remember IN A WHOLE YEAR that I did not gain any weight between Friday and Sunday night. I know it's a sad state of affairs when you gain weight every week, but it's so amazing to have the power to stop the cycle and take control of your body.

Just a little over three more pounds to go before I'm under 200 again. It takes those small goals to keep me motivated. Thinking about the fact that I re-gained 35 pounds is so discouraging, but a three pound goal is extremely attainable.

It feels nice to be on a healthy path and to have Kate there with me. I can't wait until I feel strong and comfortable in my body again!

Day 1 recap

2011-06-24T08:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a good day. It was beginning of Pride weekend for me, and I went out dancing with my wife and some awesome folks. Dancing is my favorite work out ever, and combined with my morning workout and lunch time walk, I kicked some calories' butts.

After writing yesterday's post, I emailed it to my wife and asked for help. I can't do this alone this time, I'm just not motivated enough right now. Kate immediately started on the project. Before going to a goodbye party, I went to Subway to get a sandwich and didn't eat or drink at the party (yay healthy planning choices!). But then I met up with friends, and we went out to dinner. And Kate totally stuck by me and helped me make healthier choices. Because she's the best.

Of the two goals this week that I want to do every day, I totally rocked them yesterday. Both in large part to Kate!

YES - Count calories every day this week. Do not stop on the weekend.
YES - Count calories every evening, before I go to bed

Right now I'm feeling really great about Day 1 and really lucky to have Kate and such fantastic friends. I'm finally feeling in control and that makes me happy.

Let's start over

2011-06-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

Well, it's not really starting over, is it? It's never really starting over - it's a journey and there's no beginning or end. But right now I'm going to begin with the number 206.2. This way I can be accountable.

Kate's been counting calories with me. Well, that's not true. Kate's been counting calories. I've been pretending to count calories. I need some accountability to myself, so I'm going to write it all down here. I'm not motivated to lose weight like I used to be - I have the love of the life, what more do I need? Except I don't love my body. It feels slugging, weak, and as if it's competing with itself. I don't feel as comfortable in my own skin as I used to - it feels foreign to me. But I find it so hard sometimes to do things for myself. But this I need to do for myself.

So, starting number is 206.2. I have a week until the end of the month. Here are my goals for the next week, from Thursday to Thursday:

Lose a pound.
Count calories every day this week. Do not stop on the weekend
Count calories every evening, before I go to bed.

It sounds so hard to me. Every day, including the weekends? Staying accountable to myself? I know if I can do it this week, I can do it next week and the week after. If I can do it today, I can do it tomorrow, and the day after. I can do this, right?

Looking in the mirror

2011-03-10T19:01:00.000-08:00

Kate and I are going to Hawaii for our honeymoon. It's going to be fun and relaxing. And it requires a swimsuit.

At Target, Kate was looking at the two piece swimsuits. I was in my head, wishing I could wear one too and damning the swimsuit manufacturers that don't make sexy one-piece suits. Kate tried on a couple and looked good (of course). I tried on two and looked in the mirror horrified.

I look in a mirror daily before I leave for work or weekend fun. My mirror only looks at the top half of me, though. The floor-length Target dressing room mirror showed me everything.

I am too snug in my clothes and don't look or feel the way I want, but I think of my "fat days" as behind me. I think of this time as the "after" time, the healthier time. The time when I know how to make good choices and have the tools to make my life healthier.

The Target mirror disagreed. The Target mirror focused on my huge thighs, my heavy stomach, my flabby arms. Normally I can focus on my beautiful hair, my lovely face, my nice curves. But in that dressing room, more undressed than dressed, I suddenly felt like I had uncovered the "fat girl" that I had been hiding from myself.

Between Kate, a hurt ankle, and an overwhelmed schedule I haven't been able to exercise. This week's food has been much better than last week's (and the week before). I feel like I can return to the healthy habits of before. Maybe not lose two pounds a week, but definitely lose rather than gain.

My current rules in Health Month are: tracking dinner before bed (5 days a week), stay under my calorie count (4 days a week), and drink at least 35 glasses of water a week. Tracking dinner before bed has helped me significantly, since that's when I normally binge. Staying under my calorie count 4 days a week is a struggle, especially without exercise, but I can do it.

The thing is, I can do it. I just need to be dedicated. Before, I didn't really have anything to be dedicated about. Kate thinks I'm beautiful, I normally think I'm okay looking, and well - that's what matters, right? But now I don't feel beautiful, and I am sure dedicated to changing that.

So, Target mirror, one day soon in the future, when we meet again, I am going to beat you.

Cinnamon buns

2011-02-22T14:42:00.000-08:00

I know I want to live a healthy life, but with all the stress of this weekend, I have to say - eating just makes me feel better. I can't exercise because of my ankle, and I'm afraid to look at the scale. In the meantime, I'm stuffing things in my face like there's no tomorrow.

But it really does make me feel better.

Happy Valentine's Day (the day after)

2011-02-15T17:08:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day doesn't hold much significance to me or my fiancee, so our celebration was minimal. I was reading Ninety Percent's blog post on V Day, and it made me feel like I had missed out on the lovey dovey holiday. Kate knows I love and adore her, but what about all my great, amazing friends? My family? Maybe they deserve some blue cheese mac & cheese too.

Speaking of our V Day meal, goodness I overate yesterday! Between the ice cream, tons of mac & cheese, and the chocolate, I don't believe I will get a loss this week. Plus, I can't exercise right now due to my ankle, so I think I simply need to accept that fact, move on, and eat as healthy as I can for the rest of the week. For lunch today, I ate rice and a boca burger rather than the DELICIOUS leftover mac & cheese we have in our fridge right now.

I'm halfway through the month, and I have a little more than half (6/10) my life points left on Health Month. My three rules are:

1) Exercise for 30 minutes at least 4 times a week
2) Stay under my recommended calorie count at least 4 times a week
3) Don't snack after dinner. 3 times a week.

It's a challenging month, for sure, but having these rules 4 times a week rather than 5 (like I did last month) means I know I can accomplish my goals. I'm glad to have this last week behind me, and for today to start the next week in my journey. I think my goal will be to lose up to 1 life point. Let's see if I can do it.

Weekly Weigh-In (186.0)

2011-02-14T12:55:00.000-08:00

Current weight: 186.0
Week's weight loss: -2.2
Total weight loss: 40.4

After last week's 2.6 pound gain, I can't decide if this is a good weigh-in or not. I lost 2.2 pounds in a week, but I feel like I should be able to mirror the 2.6 pound gain from the week before. After this weekend's atrocious eating (again) I'll take it, though.

This morning my ankle was hurting, so I decided to exercise on the elliptical rather than take a run. Maybe I should have just taken a break from working out, because I twisted my ankle on the elliptical and now I'm Ms. Gimpy. We'll see what this week brings in terms of weight loss as a consequence. There's no way I'm getting back on the treadmill for at least another week, if not two or three.

I hope to do a more in-depth check-in later this week, and talk a bit about my Health Month rules and how they've helped me this month. In the meantime, HI!

Weekly Weigh-In (188.2)

2011-02-07T17:05:00.000-08:00

Current weight: 188.2
Week's weight loss: +2.6Total weight loss: 38.2

I'm going to say that last week is now behind me, and this week will bring on massive weight loss. The scale may be reading muscle mass, or typical weight changes, or it might be reflecting on the not-so-stellar eating habits I've developed since I was sick.

Yesterday I didn't eat that well (hello, Chipotle!), but I did lace up my running shoes and hit the pavement for my final run of my first week of the Couch to 5k program. It was so much easier to do this run - only my third run this year - than it was two weeks ago for the exact same run. My legs don't hurt today, and I'm excited to run again tomorrow.

Normally I let "bad" days be begones, but it's good for me to reflect on how I can improve upon my slip-ups. I need something to keep me accountable, in a way that SparkPeople just doesn't inspire me to do. So, before playing Health Month this morning, I went back to SparkPeople to log all my calories for the day. HM helps me keep accountable. I don't know why their system makes compels me to track more and be honest - with myself and the game - but it does, and I really love it for that. I do wish there was an easier way to be accountable to others as well, and make it more social.

This week is going to rock, I just know it. I'm going to start on the second week of my 5k program tomorrow, and I can't wait. I'm amazed by how much I have fallen in love with running. Who knew?

Picking myself up and feeling empowered

2011-02-03T19:20:00.000-08:00

I've been sick with a cold the last few days, and it sucked. I finally feel more myself today, and I'm excited to go back to work tomorrow. I began cleaning up my "sick area" (the couch), and there were so many dishes, teas, cups, and a whole empty box of EmergenC scattered around. I sure had a party over there, while watching TV, and stuffing my face.

But I'm back from that overeating extravaganza. I got up at noon today, after calling in sick this morning (and finding my bed again), and after I lazed around for a bit I felt much more energized than I did all week. My head didn't feel it was on backwards anymore after I took the morning slowly. At 5 p.m. I decided that I was indeed well enough to try for a run, which is all I've wanted to do for the last week.

And boy did I run! My last run was on a treadmill, but this time I just ran through the park by our house. I never realized before just how powerful my body was. My legs carried me so far so quickly - it felt amazing. When I'm running a treadmill, I don't see the trees and people whizzing by. The 60 second runs were a lot more interesting to me than my 90 second walks, and I was eager to hit that 90 seconds so I could again let the world whiz by.

I came home winded, but so glad I went out running. I feel guilty for not going to work today. If I can run, I can work, you know? But I didn't really feel okay until late afternoon. I'm glad that I took the day to get better, and I'm glad that I did the 2.5 mile run. I mean, I RAN 2.5 MILES! That's so cool! I'm so amazed by what my body can do.

Health Month

2011-02-02T09:00:00.000-08:00

I have been "playing" on Health Month since mid-December, and I have to say - it's been fun. You create your own health rules and decide what you want to track, and then you check in every day or so to see if you've reached your goals. There's a daily email - if you want it - to remind you to "play". It's a good way for me to track progress, to be accountable, and to have some fun while doing it.

I think they're trying to make it social - a little like Facebook - but haven't really gotten it there yet. It's a hard balance - it's more fun to play with others, but sometimes you don't want to admit that you haven't eaten in your calorie goals for three days to all your friends. But it would definitely make it more fun.

I guess I like HM because you get to compete against yourself. That's my favorite type of game. Especially when it means I lose weight at the end!

Sick at home

2011-02-01T16:19:00.000-08:00

I'm sick at home and all I want to do is eat. I hate these days.

I think what I should really do is sleep.

Weekly Weigh-In (185.8)

2011-01-31T17:12:00.000-08:00

Current weight: 185.6
Total weight loss: 40.6

Wow! I'm really surprised - I met my (updated) goal for January. I wanted to be 186.5, and at 185.8 I totally rocked it.

I was at a conference this weekend, and almost every meal had more than half my plate filled with vegetables and fruits, and they were sure delicious. The caterer even made the cauliflower taste good!

It feels so empowering to finally feel like I'm "on track". I am on the path toward achieving my goals - losing at least 5 pounds a month before the wedding (in late May). I almost saw 190 more than once this month, and it feels so fantastic to see the scale slowly come down. For awhile, 185 felt like an impossible number.

My willpower is improving, and my goals are feeling more tangible. I want to also train for a 5k. Today is supposed to be my second run, but I'm feeling pretty awful and might skip the run in favor of resting and trying to be well enough so tomorrow I can come to work. It's really frustrating - I've been looking forward to this run all weekend - but I'd prefer to stay healthy than force my body to do something it simply can't do and stay well.

My goals for February are to continue on the path that I set up for myself this last week. I want to:

Continue to train for a 5k
Lose 5.8 pounds (be 180.0 by February 28)
Continue to blog

The last one is a must! I'm really excited - I've been chosen as one of Health Month's February bloggers!!! I just love Health Month and jumped at the opportunity. I also like what they ask of their bloggers. From an email they sent:

Write at least once a week about something Health Month related... how it's working for you, how it's not working for you, how you're adapting it to your special circumstances. Don't feel pressured to censor yourself on my behalf at all... the best way to get the most out of this experience is to be as honest as possible.

I totally can do that. I can't wait! February's going to rock!

Running towards the goal

2011-01-27T20:15:00.000-08:00

Today I began the Couch to 5k program. Week one is: run 60 seconds, walk 60 seconds for 20 minutes (with a warm up and cool down). Simple enough.

On minute 8 or so I began thinking that week one just wasn't for me. I mean, come on, walking more than running? I haven't been a couch potato. I exercise at least three times a week - if not all five work days. I can just skip these first few days of the program.

By minute 11 or so, I was glad I kept on trucking. My legs and heart were starting to burn. I could feel the strain on my body. It was the perfect combination - strained, but not exhausted

When I was on my final 60 second run, I ran harder and faster than I had before. It felt great. Exhausted, I was happy to walk off the treadmill and feel a little bit accomplished.

Running isn't exactly my thing, but I'm going to try and keep with this. I like feeling accomplished and I need more of it. Plus, just like I said it would, totally totally rocked (calories wise). And if I hadn't had a goal, like running, I know that I would have eaten more of those delicious Trader Joe's swiss almond cookies.

It's a journey

2011-01-27T09:00:00.000-08:00

It's a journey, and yesterday I fell into the metaphoric mud. Not so badly that I broke anything, but enough that my pants got stained. And I knew it was coming.

After celebrating my accomplishment - being in my calorie range for the first time in a long while - I knew a bad day was next. It's just how it goes with me. I'll do great one day, and poorly the next. Too much coffee, a free bagel bar, and a long conference later, I was picking myself up from the mud.

Even though I missed my work out this morning, today has the potential to totally rock. Being engaged has been very hard on my routine. I have not yet figured out how to motivate myself enough to leave a beautiful woman behind in bed next to me. Instead, I packed my gym clothes "to go" and I'm going to hit the gym after work.

I talked with a colleague of mine yesterday, who found running during her weight loss journey. She said that finishing a race makes you feel like you can do anything in the world. After reading A Merry Life's triathlon journey, I am feeling inspired. I put the Couch to 5k podcast on my iPod. Running has always been hard for me, but I want to feel that sense of accomplishment, feel like I can complete something. I'm going to see how it goes for me at the gym today, and see if a 5k might be in my future.

The only problem with running is that it doesn't nearly burn as many calories as other aerobic activities. With those wedding pictures looming in my future, it definitely feels like a race to the (weight loss) finish. Then again, I have been maintaining my weight, and a goal might be just the thing to tip the scales, so to speak.

Accountability

2011-01-25T17:40:00.000-08:00

When I mess up, I hate to admit it. I ignore the cupcake, the spilled mess, the unfinished paper. I walk away from it, and hope no one - including myself - will notice. The shame of it overcomes me, and hiding never makes it better.

Part of weight loss is being accountable. It's knowing you messed up, and trying to correct that. But it's also knowing when you totally rocked it. Roni's Weigh said it well today:

For so long I thought I had to be perfect which led to dieting to getperfect but once I couldn’t be perfect on said diet I decided it wasn’t worth it at all. If I couldn’t be perfect then why bother? But I wanted to be perfect so I’d start again with a new perfect diet only to discover I couldn’t be perfect yet again. [...]

Since we already owned our UNhealthy habits it’s time to celebrate the healthy ones. What are you doing right? What do you deserve a pat on the back for? Don’t be afraid to toot your own horn. Owning your accomplishments is JUST as important as recognizing what you need to change.

Well, yesterday I totally rocked it. I stayed within my calorie range and I barely snacked. I didn't eat after dinner - when I generally eat my most calories - and reached my calorie-related goals, even though I didn't work out! It was a fantastic day, and it looks like I'm on the road to another one today.

For the first time in a long while, I feel like this is something I can do. And that feels amazing.

Yes!

2011-01-24T15:27:00.000-08:00

While I've been madly blogging all about my wedding, it's time that I dust off the scale and finally hop back on. There's a wedding coming up in a few months, and you bet your bottom dollar I want to look snazzy for those photos. I've gained back some weight, but no where near where I started before. I'm currently weighing in right under 190 - about 25 pounds more than my lowest weight. It's hard to accept, but it's time to move on and just dig my heels in.

For awhile I've been tracking my calories, but only Monday through Friday. Living with my fiancée has kept me from doing Me Stuff, like counting calories or going to the gym. We don't get to spend nearly enough time together, and I'm still figuring out how to lose weight while in love.

But I'm frustrated with my lack of willpower, and I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to lose weight, and blog about the ups - and downs - on the way! Again.

Lovely lady and weight gain

2010-09-10T00:07:00.000-07:00

Still overeating. Still gaining weight. Still happy.

Having a hard time prioritizing myself when there's this gorgeous lady in my life I can prioritize instead. It's not sustainable, and I know I need to change it. But it's fun right now, so it's hard to fight the urge to please the Lovely Lady and cook delicious, not necessarily nutritious foods.

I've never had a hard time prioritizing myself before. This is a fun, happy-inducing, hard thing to learn.

Weekly Weigh-In (174.6)

2010-08-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

Current weight: 174.6
Week's weight lost: -1.4
Total weight loss: 51.8

It's hard to write a number in the 170s. I feel that I should be in the 160s, because that's where I left off. That's where my lowest weight is. All that energy I took to get into the 160s is now gone. It feels wasted. I know that this is about the journey, not the weight, but it's still hard to not judge myself for being heavier - again. It's hard to get excited about a pound a half drop, because it feels like it's a pound a half closer to what it should be.

On the plus side, a pound a half! Yay! And that's even with too way-too-much pizza last night. I know that I'm on this amazing journey toward a healthier me. It was amazing to hike on vacation. I love living an active lifestyle.

Goal review and how last week went:

Routine -

Daily weigh-ins - YES, for the days I had a scale. This really helps me
Weekly blog weigh-ins - Hellllo there!
Morning gym routine - SCORE! Last week I kicked ass in this department - for the two days I was at work. I was "off" during vacation, and I took a lazy day this morning - but tonight!

Lose a pound a week -

YAY! 1.4 pounds!!!

Small, achievable goals with a method

Maintain an average 500 calorie daily deficit - more or less, depending on the day
Eat four 300-400 calorie meals a day - this is my downfall. I've had many 700 calorie meals this last week
Eat between 1,400 and 1,700 calories a day, depending on exercise - Doing okay here.
Plan meals ahead - I know what my lunch will be this week. That counts, right?

Make healthy choices - Trying. I'm trying.

The tools of the trade

2010-08-24T13:22:00.000-07:00

After yesterday's crazy weigh-in of 5 pounds in one week, I wrote this list of the tools that I need to use to actually lose weight.

The tools I need for success:

Routine - This morning I got up early and went to the gym. It was amazing and great. I love being out as the world begins to wake up, and starting my morning off right. I've somehow misplaced my iPod, but hope it turns up. All the same, my morning work out routine begins my day right with focusing on being healthy.

Daily weigh-ins
Weekly blog weigh-ins
Morning gym routine

Lose a pound a week - This is tied with the next thing - small, achievable goals - but I need a realistic larger goal too. I also need to feel like I'm a success

If my weight really is 176.0, I want to be 170.0 by October 1

Small, achievable goals with a method - This is the only way I can loose weight. I know that if I have a measurable goal, it makes slip-ups manageable and doesn't make me feel like a failure. To lose a pound a week, I need to be at a 500 daily calorie deficit. (A pound is 3,500 calories, divided by 7 days.) I naturally burn 1,900 calories a day without exercise, so I need to eat 1,400 calories a day to create a 500 calorie deficit.

Lose a pound a week, 170.0 by October 1
Maintain an average 500 calorie daily deficit
Eat four 300-400 calorie meals a day
Eat between 1,400 and 1,700 calories a day, depending on exercise
Plan meals ahead

Make healthy choices - This is the hardest one by far. There is no tool for this one, there's on my inner psyche. I make healthy choices by prioritizing myself, which I do by sticking to everything I wrote above.

Evening check-in

2010-08-23T22:05:00.000-07:00

After having a bad weigh-in and a revelation of sort this morning, I wanted to check back in this evening. I was conscious of my calories all day, which is something that hasn't happened for many months. I made decisions in part on calorie information. I didn't make the best decisions today, but I also didn't make the worse.

I ate 1,900 calories today. This is exactly what I would need to eat to maintain my weight. Thankfully, I also burned 470 calories today, creating a deficit. I am 30 calories shy of my 500 calorie deficit goal, but that's much closer to that goal than I've come in a long time.

Breakfast:
English muffin with a Morningstar sausage patty and salsa

Lunch:
Trader Joe's mix - frozen brown rice, melted cheese, salsa, and Morningstar grillers patty

Snack:
Pretzels and oatmeal raisin cookie

Dinner:
Salmon, summer squash, bed & butter and half a cheesecake

Totals
Calories - 1900 (goal: 1400-1700)
Carbs - 194 (goal 160-247)
Fat - 76 (goal 30-59)
Protein - 118 (goal 58-133)

Weekly Weigh-In (176.0)

2010-08-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

Current weight: 176.0
Week's weight lost: +5.2
Total weight loss: 50.4

A five pound gain in a week? I'm not even sure what to say. Yeah, this week hasn't been my greatest for healthy eating, but five pounds is unbelievable. Or maybe it's just a wake up call.

I have been haphazardly tracking my calories. I have meal goals (300-400 calories), but I am not accountable to them. I've been practicing the general goal of "LOSE WEIGHT" rather than "lose weight by doing x, y, and z". I've realized I need at least an a, b, and c. I need small, achievable goals and know how I am going to get success.

So I'm going to prioritize myself among the stress and new situations, and create these goals. I realized that I've been feeling like my life isn't in control, so I couldn't prioritize myself among the wedding planning, crazy schedule, and Lovely Lady. But it is in my control. I can choose to prioritize myself. And I'm very lucky to have a supportive Lovely Lady who encourages me to do what I want for my body.

Emotional eating, soothing excercise

2010-08-20T10:13:00.000-07:00

While my morning rituals (wake up early, step on scale, go to the gym, eat at work) have been decimated over the past few months, I am slowly going through the destruction and picking up the pieces. Stepping on the scale was one of those pieces I've been collecting the last week or two. But this morning I didn't even bother.

Last night I woke up with such extreme anxiety that after an hour of tossing and turning, I decided to get up and be productive. I have never had problems sleeping - light, noise, environment - nothing bothers me. After an hour and a half, I started eating, hoping the food in my stomach would numb the wedding-related terror. (Lovely Lady and I are looking at venues this weekend, and I feel so unprepared!)

It was a food storm. And this morning, I didn't step on the scale.

But this morning was the first morning that I went to the gym in a long time. After my last post I realized that I need my morning routine back. It was a glorious morning at the gym. Normally I play fast music and try to keep up. After last night, though, I wasn't prepared to sweat my heart out like that. Instead, I played some soothing music and just went at my own pace. It was just perfect - relaxing, endorphin-producing, moved my body, and got me out of bed.

Goals, goals, goals

2010-08-18T11:05:00.000-07:00

I love living with my Lovely Lady, and I love being with her every second we're both free. We have packed schedules and don't spend nearly as much time together as we would like. And we have very different natural schedules. The Lovely Lady is somewhat a perfectionist, and is willing to go to bed at 3 a.m. to get things done. I, on the other hand, like to be asleep by 10:30. Sadly, we've been compromising by going to bed around 1:30.

My weight loss has been stagnant for awhile - even before the Lovely Lady and I were involved - not least of which is because I had already begun going to sleep much later. Amazing Dane Findley (family friend, and productive guru extrordinaire) is doing a 4:15 Experiment - where he's going to wake up at 4:15 for 30 consecutive days in a row to increase his productivity. The extremism of the experiment wouldn't work for me (4:30 every day! Yowzers!) - I need much more flexibility in my life - but I'm tempted to try a similar change in my own life. I used to be able to leave the house at 7 a.m. without much problem, and I would like to do that again sometime soon.

Committing to early mornings means that I need to spend less time with Kate, sadly. For the past few months, that wasn't a decision I was willing to make. As my life is getting crazier, though, I'm really missing the self-care time morning workouts allow me.

If it's not part of my routine, it doesn't get done, which is part of the reason I haven't made it to the gym very often these past few months. I need to make weight loss, eating healthy, and the gym a priority, but that's so hard right now because I'm so in love....

Weekly Weigh-In (170.8)

2010-08-16T11:37:00.000-07:00

Current weight: 170.8
Week's weight lost: -1.6
Total weight loss: 55.6

Despite the one and a half pound loss, today's weight is actually the highest of this last week's. I've been hovering between 169.8 and 170.6, and was a little shocked at the 170.8 this morning. But it is as it is, and it's still a pound a half less than last Monday!

As you might expect in a time when the legality of same-sex marriages is dubious, my week-long engagement has already produced some stress. We're uncertain about our next steps, but hope to one day be legally married. I have resorted to - you guessed it! - food, but made time yesterday to create individual serving sizes of all the yummies I bought this weekend.

I like that my Lovely Lady thinks my individual serving sizes are "cute" rather than what I feared - annoying and wasteful. (Afterall, that is a lot of zip lock bags I'm using!) Her ambivalence toward food, unlike my greedy "Oh my goodness this tastes so good so let's keep eating no matter how full I am", has been a great role model to have around. It's not that she doesn't care about food, but she doesn't need good food to make her happy. Consciously and subconsciously, I have been noticing how food has played a different role in my life since we started living together.

Weekly Weigh-in (172.4)

2010-08-09T15:16:00.000-07:00

Current weight: 172.4
Week's weight lost: +2.2
Total weight loss: 54.0

I have no clue how I gained 2.2 pounds this week, but it might have something to do with the fact that I got engaged to a lovely lady on Wednesday! I haven't been paying that much attention to calories or food, but I don't think I've eaten enough to gain two pounds in a week. I think the two pounds is a long-time coming gain from eating poorly the past few weeks.

Part of me now wants to lose weight for the wedding, but I also am fine with how I am now. Either way, I want to lose the extra weight I am lugging around, even if it's not by the time I say "I Do".

With all the excitement, I didn't make it to the gym last week, but I hope that will change this week. I will for-sure go to the gym tomorrow, and hope to get another day in sometime this week.

While the gym is nice, it's my food intake that I need to watch to lose weight and be healthy. Today's pizza lunch just isn't going to do the trick. I need to stick to start planning my meals based on health, not just on what tastes good.

Weekly Weigh-in (170.2)

2010-08-03T12:23:00.000-07:00

Current weight: 170.2

Pounds lost: -56.2

When I stop weighing myself daily it means I'm not prioritizing weight loss. I haven't been weighing myself daily for months now. Partly because of the insane drama of my life the past few months, partly because I'm trying to adjust to these many changes I've been ecstatic to enjoy, and partly because of burn out. Well, I'm re-lit this week, and I'm back. To stay, I hope.

I'm still adjusting to living with my girlfriend. The fact that my time is now shared with another (amazing) person is a little hard, but fun at the same time. She likes that I cook lunches on the weekend for us to enjoy during the week. I like that she does the dishes.

Getting up is the hardest part. I haven't made it consistently to the gym since we've been together, and I'm not entirely sure that's going to change. Going to the gym five times a week while living with someone (with such a packed schedule!) is not something I'm able to maintain right now. Instead, I think I'm going to make a goal of getting to the gym twice a week. It's bolded, so I'll remember.

It's okay if I don't go to the gym five times a week, though, as long as I eat well. Plus, it's a 1.8 mile walk to BART and back again, that I walk every day. It might not be a 400 calorie burn, but those 200 calories make a difference. Historically, exercise is just a way to handle my overeating. I'd prefer to just not overeat.

Good Morning, Baltimore

2010-06-04T10:22:00.000-07:00

Just because yesterday I ate peanut M&Ms, Butterfinger ice cream, a ice cream bar, a brownie, and some pie does NOT mean that today I have to do it all over again. Today I can do better. Healthy snacks are great! And delicious! And I don't have to fill my stomach like that.

Woke up today
Feeling the way I always do
Oh, oh, oh
Hungry for something
That I can't eat
Then I hear that beat
The rhythm of town
Starts calling me down
It's like a message from
High above

Months of maintaining, and trying to be back

2010-06-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

I have become a really good maintainer. Or, at least, I think I have. I haven’t been on program for awhile, and that’s included time off the scale. I know I’m still in the 170s range, so I’m going to call it maintaining.

A lot has happened lately in my life, and weight loss hasn’t been a major priority. I have been finding a hard time to get back my motivation to lose the weight. I’m at a size where I can shop in regular stores and people often comment on how good I look. Yet, I know I’m not at my goal and I know I’m not in my healthy BMI range. I want to lose at least another 30 pounds. I have been trying to motivate myself to stop simply making this something I want, and instead, something I actively work toward.

But I’m trying. I have been tracking my calories all week, and have made it to the gym yesterday and today. I am going to plan my next weight loss moves sometime this week, and set goals for myself. I know that weekly weight loss goals are the only way I can continue on the program, but I can’t create those until I step on the scale tomorrow morning.

So until then, I’m just back and hoping that committing this to words will help motivate me.

No weekly weigh-in

2010-05-04T17:28:00.000-07:00

I haven't stepped on a scale in over a week. It's been fantastic.

Normally I weigh myself daily, but I'm enjoying life a little too much right now to care to get back on the scale. I think it might be up a little - or down. I truly have no idea. In the meantime, I've been going to the gym (a little less than normal, but going) and counting calories.

There are days when I look in the mirror and I'm amazed at what stares back at me. My face, my stomach, my thighs, my entire body looks so different. There is still a ways to go, but I'm very proud of the journey and what I look like right now.

Ignore the fact that it was taken in my work's restroom.

That's a size 12 dress from Van Heusen Outlet!

Weekly Weigh-In (167.8)

2010-04-26T12:09:00.000-07:00

This week’s weight: 169.4
This week's weight lost: -1.6
Total weight lost: -58.6

Wow! What a huge loss for a week where I exercised only twice!

It was a fairly good week. The highlight of my week weight-loss wise was also the low point of my week personally. I got in a huge argument with my best friend last week. In my anger, I decided to go and treat myself somewhere nice and eat at restaurant I like. The MUNI Metro was down, so I decided to walk to the restaurant - about 3 miles away. As I walked, I realized that I was only going to eat the meal out of frustration, and as the miles went by I decided to instead make a responsible dinner at home.

Weekly Weigh-In (169.4)

2010-04-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

This week’s weight: 169.4
This week's weight lost: -.8
Total weight lost: -57.0

This week was not as hard as weeks before, but it was still a struggle. And here I am - almost a pound lighter. Go me!

I was thinking about "catching up" this morning. I want to catch up to the goal I set for myself - 135 pounds by October 13. But October 13 was picked randomly. It was the day that would mark a pound loss per week from the starting goal of mid-January (when I got re-energized). While reflecting on this, I realized that as long as I lose the weight by January 7, I'll be happy. I don't want to do another year of this. After doing the math - because I love math - I realized that achieving that goal would require an average of a 4 pound loss per month. I think beginning May, I will start to judge success more by my monthly number than my weekly number.

What is success?

2010-04-14T10:16:00.000-07:00

How do you measure success? Do you compare yourself to who you were last decade? Last year? Last month?

A decade ago I didn't know how to eat. I didn't understand the symbiotic relationship between my body and my mind and engaged in very unhealthy eating practices.

A year ago (and some change) I was the heaviest I've ever been, 226.4 pounds. I felt shameful that I was so huge, and so I started this journey.

A month ago my weight loss was again slowing down, but I was less than half a pound away from 165 pounds.

Most of weight loss is mental. Eat less and exercise more is easy in theory, but you have to inspire yourself to not eat that delicious cookie and get to the gym in the morning. This is a journey without specific beginnings and endings, so measuring your own success is sometimes hard. Success breeds more success.

Today I have lost over 55 pounds since my heaviest weight, and I am almost 5 pounds heavier than I was last month. I have two options - considering myself a failure for not meeting my pound a week challenge so far this year and gaining 5 pounds, or a success for losing so much weight and having just 35 more pounds until my goal weight.

I'm going to call it a success, and inspire myself to lose 1.5 pounds a week to get back on track.

Post-Passover

2010-04-13T13:44:00.001-07:00

Monday’s weigh in: 170.2
Total loss: 56.2

I’m back a little curvier, but I’m here! Passover was stressful – personally (family) and professionally (professional Jew), but it was also lovely. Passover is a holiday celebrating the Israelite Exodus from Egypt, and is an opportunity for the (inter) faith community to come together and celebrate the need for freedom for all. I very much love my job, and I love the idea of freedom for all. It’s such a wonderful holiday, even if it does involve some bland non-rising matzah.

For the past few months I have been unmotivated to lose weight. While I haven’t gained back my motivation, I do know what I can do to get myself back on track.

I cannot dislike my fat away. I hate how corny it sounds, but I have to like and honor my body and what it can do for me to lose the weight. When I’m disgruntled, I care less about the wellbeing of my body and will often eat in frustration. My body is a temple, and I need to care for it so.
Track calories is a must. If it goes in my mouth, I need to record it. Tracking is an automatic form of accountability, and it keeps me aware of how much I’m putting in my mouth.
I cannot skip the morning routine. I’ve been staying up late for a variety of reasons, but I like my weight loss program and myself a lot more if I get myself to the gym before work.

I didn’t go to the gym this morning, but I did yesterday and I will tomorrow (and hopefully the rest of the week!). I ate within my caloric goals yesterday and even hit every nutritional goal in the process! I made myself quinoa with chicken Sunday for lunch for the week, and have been supplementing it with some frozen deliciousness in my work freezer (Morningstar Chick Patties, Trader Joe’s frozen rice with melted cheddar, frozen veggies, and fresh carrots).

In other news, this is my 100th post. Go me!

Hi y'all

2010-03-25T10:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't forgotten about this lovely blog here, but I've been super busy lately with work and play. For the moment - I'm giving myself until after Pesach - I'm going to be a bit quiet over here. See you all soon! Chag sameach (for those Jews out there)!

[The Jewish holiday of Passover begins next Monday evening, and I have quite a few Seders to attend and plan until after the eight day holiday is over.]

Weekly weigh in (166.6)

2010-03-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

This week’s weight: 166.6
This week's weight lost: -1.8
Total weight lost: -59.8

I only have time for a quick update today. I just returned from New Orleans, and I'm still trying to process the experience. The group I went with was amazing. We did a mix of volunteer work (gardening mostly), learning about the area and devastation after Katrina, and having fun.

Between dancing and gardening, I got a good work out to counter all the alcohol and fried foods I ate and drank. Because I didn't get near enough sleep, I wasn't hungry most days and didn't eat very much. This ended up being a great combination for weight loss, and despite my terrible eating earlier in the week, I still lost 1.8 pounds. I am just 1.6 pounds above my goal line now, which is great. I hope to be on or below my goal line by the end of the month.

We talked a lot about food justice while in New Orleans. While this issue isn't a high priority on my personal values matrix, it is very relevant to this blog. I think it will be a good way to connect my experience there with my own lifestyle changes. So you can look forward to some New Orleans food updates coming soon!

Food choices

2010-03-08T20:06:00.000-08:00

Bad food day today. I'm at a calorie deficit of 200, when my goal is 1100! But tomorrow is another (long) day, and I'm going to try my hardest to work out. I think I may work out before lunch. It's going to be an 11 hour day otherwise, since I haven't been taking lunches lately because I'm so busy. So I'll take an hour and a half lunch and look radiant for the last half of my day.

This is okay. Tomorrow is a new day, and in the meantime I have a job I adore. (I've been eating to help me get the writing flowing for my five minutes speech to the Board tomorrow. Very excited!)

Weekly weigh in (168.4)

2010-03-08T14:38:00.001-08:00

This week’s weight: 168.4
This week's weight lost: -2.0
Total weight lost: -58.0

Two pounds down, and that’s including the weekend-long birthday party! I passed up the greasy food and ate pretty healthy most of the week. Go me!

I’m getting over being sick right now. I’ve been sick for what feels like forever, but is really only two weeks with varying illnesses. So my exercise routine is the trash (making a 2 pound loss even more impressive!), and I’m trying to stay good with my eating. Today feels like one of my “bad” days, but calorically speaking I’m doing alright, as long as I don’t keep snacking!

I’m off to New Orleans on Thursday for a service learning project. My exercise routine will be replaced with temporary construction worker, as we help re-build the area. I’m very excited to be visiting!

I am not my friend

2010-03-03T13:00:00.000-08:00

I am the worst friend to myself. I am constantly critiquing and judging myself, and I rarely give myself encouragement besides the forced-feeding every time I realize I'm being negative, and I try to retroactively say something positive instead.

And it's been even worse lately. I simply haven't been caring about much of anything, and as someone who is normally passionate and excited by life, this has led to some dismal weight-loss and self-confidence efforts.

I've been trying to change my internal dialogue for years now, and it goes slowly. I often say "I love you" to myself, which makes me feel silly. Yet, I feel just fine with the onslaught of "I hate you"s that is in constant repetition in my head, in reference to every small thing I've ever miss-done, even years later.

Last night, like many nights before, I completely binged. Despite the fact that I had "wasted" my calories by 5 p.m. (oh delicious cookies!), it was a frustrating day and hunger remained. So I ate. I didn't eat anything too calorie extravagant - gnocci, 100 calorie ice cream, a Cliff bar - but more calories than I would have at a normal meal, and many more calories than I had budgeted for in the day.

Ironically, this morning I woke up sick (head cold), the scale was up 1.2 pounds, and I was late; and this morning I felt better than I have all week. I felt my energy back and I felt the sun shine on me. (Literally - it's finally sunny after days of rain.) And I know that I will win this journey, even if the scale is not kind to me, even if I am not always kind to myself, and even if I mess up. I will continue to try, and that's all that matters.

Weekly weigh in (170.4)

2010-03-02T11:10:00.000-08:00

February 15’s weight: 168.0
This week's weight: 170.4
This week's weight lost: +2.4
Total weight lost: -56.0
February’s weight lost: -1.4

I skipped my weigh-in last week, but I’m back now. I’ve been feeling very badly about weight recently – how did I manage to gain 4 pounds?! (I weighed myself last Wednesday, and was at 172.) I’m feeling unsuccessful and off-goal. So it is a shock to me that I still managed to lose 1.4 pounds in February. It’s not the 4 pounds I was aiming for, but it’s still a loss and it makes me feel somewhat successful.

Accordingly to my goal chart, I should be at 167. While three pounds is truly a very small amount, it’s the difference between feeling like a winner and feeling like a failure. I want to stay on-goal, I want to stay successful. I’ve been trying to tell myself that I am successful – I have lost 55 pounds! But I still can’t shake how many pounds off-goal I am, and trying to figure out ways to get back on-goal.

But I did lose 1.4 pounds this month. And I know that by the end of next month I’ll be able to say I’m on-goal again. I just know it. I’ve begun working out in the mornings again and I’ve been studiously tracking my calories. I know I can do this!

Losing weight while Jewish

2010-02-28T11:16:00.000-08:00

"Would you like some more mashed potatoes?" my Oma (grandmother) will ask me when I visit. She will say this as she puts the mashed potatoes on my plate.

"No, I'm okay," I'll say back before realizing the mashed potatoes sitting there. I'll have already had a plate and a half of delicious food and I'm not THAT hungry. My Oma loves me, and equates food with love. It's very sweet, but hard sometimes.

While not an entirely "Jewish" problem, it's hard to lose weight with a family and holidays like this. Yesterday evening we celebrated Purim, a holiday where you're commanded to get so drunk you can't tell the good guy from the bad guy in the story. Those shots of vodka add up, and I'm always more likely to eat while drunk. Plus, I just made some hamantashen, and if I say so myself, they are delicious!

The next big holiday coming up is Pesach (Passover). Pesach you're supposed to drink 4 cups of wine and the entire day/evening is concerned with a great feast. There are traditional things you're supposed to eat and eat, and only THEN do you get to the meal. And, of course, as I have both family and friends (imagine that!) so I'll be enjoying more than one Pesach feast.

Of course, there's also the weekly holiday of Shabbat. Challah, while delicious, is very caloric. And that nice dinner once a week can also be a lovely, caloricly strenuous, meal.

I'm not so religious that I celebrate every holiday (I stayed home last night) or honor all Shabbats, but I work for a Jewish institution and I do celebrate with infrequent frequency. So, despite my unpious nature, being Jewish does give perspective to my weight loss. Which is to say, the only way I can lose weight is if I can control my portions. Obviously this isn't a Jewish concept, but it does help me to remind myself of it before I begin my celebrations. It's hard to say no to my third helping of kugel, but I can do it! At least, sometimes I can do it. And all that needs to happen is I need to show restraint more than I don't show restraint. I will slip up (oh, how I love challah), but I will also be learning. I need to remember that this is a journey, not a daily exercise in winning or failing.

How can I challenge myself?

2010-02-27T23:18:00.000-08:00

Kristen of Low Fat Dressing made a great comment the other day when I was talking about being unmotivated. She suggested a food challenge to spice up my weight loss routine. I'm currently in hyper regret mode, and trying to simply take back all those calories I've eaten the past few weeks. My goal is to create a daily 1,100 calorie deficit until Monday, but I have no idea what comes after that.

I love this idea of a challenge of some kind, but I don't know what I should do. I've been thinking of trying to start a Biggest Loser type of group here in SF. Something where everyone puts in $15 at the beginning, and whoever has the largest percentage of weight loss at the end of the time gets the bounty. It wouldn't really be about the money, but the accountability and having a group to meet with.

Or I could start that fruit, nut, and veggie diet I wrote about before, but I'm afraid I'd grow tired of the diet rather than it bringing excitement to my life.

I know I need to get back to my morning workouts. I've been exercising after work mostly, and it's not the same. I need the structure in my life, to remind myself on a daily basis that I am losing weight. When I work out, I use that time to concentrate on my next goal, the goals I've accomplished, and how I'm going to make the day the best it can be. It's been nice to sleep in, but I think I need my morning mantra and accountability again.

But working out has always been the easy part for me. I don't know what to do about the food. Especially since I now have homemade hamentashen lying around my house.

Unmotivated

2010-02-25T21:12:00.000-08:00

Alright, I'm going to admit it. I'm bored. It's not just counting calories that's boring me. I lack the thrill of non-work deadlines. Which is why I've decided to begin taking Spanish, but sadly I decided this two months too late. I'm trying to be patient waiting for the semester to end.

So I'm bored in life and diet. And I haven't been keeping up. I'm afraid to step on the scale. I'm wondering what the use is of "going on". I know why I should - I'm not where I want to be health-wise, weight-wise, or size-wise. Yet, I am comfortable where I am. And similarly, I'm comfortable in life.

I need adventure. I need some fun.

I did well on the diet today, but half of that was I was too busy concentrating on not falling over from dizziness that food didn't really persuade me.

Hopefully tomorrow and this weekend will be a better week.

Weekly weign in

2010-02-22T11:12:00.000-08:00

I'm going to skip my weekly weigh-in this week. I never do this, but I'm simply too embarrassed/in disbelief over the weight I saw this morning. I'll let you know next week where I stand.

In the meantime, my embarrassment has proven to be an effective motivating tool. I have planned out my week and seem to be on the right track. I am trying to stay motivated, but it's hard when I'm starting to feel like I have a "normal" body. But I'm not yet in the healthy range, and I'm still not thrilled with how my body looks. I know it's unusual, but I like my body more when I'm standing naked in front of my mirror in the morning than I do after all the layers of clothes I put on. Those curves are proof of all my hard work, and that gets hidden under the shirts and pant.

But sometimes I need a reminder that I'm not yet done with this work. I yearn for a day when my legs don't rub, and I don't need to wear tights or leggings to make a dress comfortable. I want to be able to be a healthy weight. I want to be HOT, not just beautiful. This can only be attained if I watch what I eat. I CAN DO IT!!! IT REALLY IS WHAT I WANT!!!

When you’re only overweight

2010-02-17T09:17:00.000-08:00

Life feels different now that I’m overweight, not the expansive obese girl I’ve always been. For as long as I can remember I saw the world as “fat” and “not fat”. I did not understand people who felt overweight because they wanted to lose ten pounds. They were so thin! They could shop in department stores! They didn’t worry about taking up more than their share of the seat on the bus! I was angered by what I considered vanity. I lived in a body where I couldn’t shop in the stores, where I organized my life around food, where I felt shame at my body, and yet… I got through it, I dated, I had fun, I lived. I was so angry that they even considered 10 pounds, when they were thin and I was fat. But it turns out, I was just angry at myself.

In the process of losing weight I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m not close to the finish of my journey, but even at size 12 I feel so different than I did at size 22. I have always had a zest for life, but now I am overcoming the shame and anger and self-hate that sponsored my eating problems. To eat less, I had to examine why I was eating too much in the first place. I ate when I felt nervous, and I felt nervous because I never felt good enough, witty enough, smart enough, pretty enough. I still have those issues, but I’m actually dealing with them now – rather than simply eating them “away”.

And I don’t eat things away anymore; I don’t have hidden meals of thousands of calories. Before, I would secretly go to Taco Bell, McDonald’s, In & Out, Old Spaghetti Factory after lunch and eat another huge meal. I would hide the evidence so no one would find out about my shameful habits, even when my body displayed them for all to see. It’s taken over two years, but I’ve begun to learn moderation. I balance my hunger and (mostly) eat apples instead of ice cream. After binging all of my life, I feel like I’ve finally begun to learn the beginnings of being whole and respecting my body.

The world feels different when your stomach doesn’t enter the room before you do. I no longer think people are staring at me because I’m fat (and now I wonder if they ever were.) I used my fat as a shield. It hid me from my self-disappointment. I can no longer use the excuse that that awesome person didn’t come and chat me up because I’m fat – and assume that no one wants to be friends with the fat girl. The world is more real now – I have to stand on my own merits. The world is also kinder; it’s easier to live in a world where things are manufactured for your mentality and size. The shops stock clothing that fits me, I don’t feel shameful when I go out to eat by myself, and I’m starting to feel normal in ways I never thought I’d be able to attain.

Weekly weigh in

2010-02-15T07:48:00.000-08:00

Last week's weight: 171.8
This week's weight: 168.0
This week's weight lost: -3.8
Total weight lost: 58.4

I was hungry this weekend. I ate Thai food, quiche, 1/2 pound burger and fries, cheese and herb polenta, and a slew of other things I should only eat in moderation. While it wasn't an out and out eat fest, I did eat more than I should on quite a few days. These eating days were balanced with days I ate in moderation, but considering the food I ate, the four pound loss is mind-blowing. I stepped on the scale three times to make sure that I wasn't simply getting a wonky number. I still wonder, though, if I simply broke my scale...

My boy and I broke up this week. If we were in a romantic comedy, we would have likely made up the night before Valentine's Day. But there is no bad romantic comedy movie in my future, just some great opportunities to learn from my mistakes and become the person I want to be.* We've been on and off again for the entirety of our three year relationship, and it's past the time where things needed to end romantically. After three years of struggle, we've both agreed that we're not working out, but would like to keep our amazing friendship.

The day of - and after - the break up I ate very little. I felt the hunger from far away, but food simply didn't interest me. I was completely shocked! I was expecting a buffet line of bad things, but my body insisted on fruit smoothies and a lot of broccoli. This is going on my list of one of the reasons I adore my body.

After two days I was up to my old tricks, and it feels like things have begun to balance out. I feel like I over did it this weekend, but I stopped tracking at some point. I went on a 10 minute run this weekend, which felt so amazing after so many weeks of "healing". It feels nice to be back, and almost be 100%.

*Sappy, I know. But I really believe shit like that. I also think that everything happens for a reason. Just call it my Bay Area Philosophy. I also own Birkenstocks, eat organic and local produce, and love to compost.

Race, class, and size

2010-02-11T14:14:00.000-08:00

Sorry y'all, yesterday's post wasn't very clear. Here's what I mean to say:

I come from a heavy family. Weight was one of the first issues I was aware of. I learned to embrace my size, and not to trust people whose lives revolve around weight and how you look. Fashion and size felt forbidden in my house, yet simultaneously obsessed over. My mother has dealt with this problem by getting weight loss surgery. I have dealt with it here, on this blog.

My father, while economically middle class, is a working class person at heart. He makes fun of yoga and pilates, and any other typically middle or upper class calisthenics (or, come to think of it, lifestyle). He has a gym membership, but only uses the pool. He runs outside, and he thinks that outside is exactly where everyone's gym should be. Not in a classroom bending in awkward positions.

While I'm VERY proud of the 55 pounds I've lost - and my family supports me in this effort to loose weight - I also feel shameful at being the person who goes to the gym before work. But it's not only that. In my (wonderful) pilates class yesterday, there was one African American and two Asian women in the class of about 25. A ratio like that makes me feel uncomfortable. I live in the very diverse city of San Francisco (our bus announcements come in THREE languages!), and I dislike it when that diversity is not reflected in the activities I do. Which is ironic. Most Jewish community events (my day job/life) deals mainly with a white, but internationally diverse, audience. (There are many Jews of color, but they are not well integrated into the organized Jewish community).

Of course, this shame is something I simply must overcome. And it's wonderful that I have the opportunity to overcome it with a series of exercises I am loving - pilates and yoga.

Pilates, yoga, and class

2010-02-10T12:31:00.000-08:00

I feel guilty for going to pilates and yoga. I am afraid I'm turning into the fit yuppie who buys organic, fresh produce and wants to make the world better. While none of those things are terrible in their own right, I am afraid of the class and size assumptions and stereotypes that go along with those things. I live in a diverse world, and I don't want my getting fit experience to be with any less of a plurality.

Yet, I am becoming a fit yuppie who buys organic, fresh (and kosher) produce, and I want to make the world a better place.

Do any of you struggle with overcoming your fit stereotypes?

Shopping

2010-02-09T12:43:00.000-08:00

While shopping last week I was lamenting being between sizes - nothing fit! The size 14s were simply falling off me. It wasn't until I left the store did I realize that I had dropped a size.

I am now a size 12!

Being a size 12 means that there is quite a lot more opportunities when I'm out shopping. I can shop in stores like Express, Victoria's Secret, H & M, and others without worrying. Before, at a size 14, I couldn't always squeeze into everything. And other places didn't carry the larger sizes. It's so freeing to be able to go mall shopping. It's such a new experience. It's so much fun!

In celebration I - of course - went shopping. Thrift Town had a good selection, and I got a skirt and jeans - both size 12! I bought a dress from Zara's and a skirt from H & M. And I of course needed new shoes to go along with all these great finds.

I don't have pics yet of me in the new clothing, but hopefully I'll be able to share them soon. But here are my new pumps. Aren't they amazing? They're purple!

Weekly weigh in (171.8) and diet

2010-02-08T12:43:00.000-08:00

Last week's weight: 171.0
This week's weight: 171.8
This week's weight lost: +.8
Total weight lost: 54.6

I was in the 160s last week, and I'm again 2 pounds away from that goal. While frustrating, I feel less bothered by it than I would in other weeks. I'm eager to again get on my goal line (I would need to be 170.0 today), but - I hate to admit this - I don't care.

I want to lose weight. I want to be a smaller size. I want to get to my goal weight. But I'm also so tired of tracking my calories. I'm tired of caring about weight loss. I know that the only thing that keeps me on track is watching my calories, and I've been slacking on that. I need to get re-motivated.

The first two weeks after my injury, I was motivated because I knew I simply had to stay within my calorie budget to loose weight. It was something new, but now I'm bored with being super vigilant.

So I need a change.

I think I want to go on a vegetable, fruit, and nut diet for a week. A friend of mine is on a similar diet due to health reasons, but I think it would be a great opportunity to try something different and see what only eating the natural foods would feel like.

I think I'm going to try this in two weeks. This weekend is v day and I don't want to impose on my honey. Next week is a major work event that will occupy my during lunch and dinner. But the week following, I think I may try this.

In the meantime, I've dropped a size and am now a size 12!

Epic Battle: Me vs Chinese Food

2010-02-05T12:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was an epic battle of Margee vs. Food. Margee has been winning the war this week, but yesterday's battle proved more difficult than expected. The morning began normally, with Margee knocking out Sweet Cravings with Trader Joe's Maple and Brown Sugar Instant Oatmeal, but as stress and hunger began to build, Tortilla took her down at 11 a.m. Tortilla #2 and #3 joined in at 2pm, and by 3pm Food had made Margee feel powerless, and she simply sat out the rest of the day. Two servings of Chinese food and brownies later, Margee retired from the ring exhausted and ready for tomorrow.

Yesterday sucked food wise and I'm afraid to get on the scale tomorrow. I must admit I'm not going to log yesterday's horrendous eating because it'll simply make me feel terrible and there's nothing I can do at this point besides eat well today.

Despite yesterday's horrednous eating, Wednesday marked the completion of my February goal! For three straight days I ate within my calorie budget. That's very exciting. I wonder if I can eat another three days straight in my calorie budget. I hope so!

GOOD BYE 170!

2010-02-03T13:59:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it! I am under 170 pounds. Just barely, weighing in this morning at 169.8, but still there! I can barely get my head wrapped around the idea that I was in the 170s, much less that I'm now in the 160s! I've never been below 185 before, and this feels great! (Sorry for the excessive use of exclamation points, but I'm very excited.)

I've been noticing my body a lot lately. It catches my eye whenever I'm in front of a mirror. I notice the bone in my shoulders, the pronounced curve of my hips, the way I look taller. It's fun having thighs that are straight, rather than being bunched and curved in awkward places because there's simply no where else to put the fat. It's great to have only one chin, room in my pants, and feel amazing. I am amazed at how far I've traveled, and excited about where I've yet to go.

My top priority after I get my refund check is to move. I want to live somewhere I can ride a bike to work. I look forward to pedaling myself forward, literally and figuratively.

February Goals

2010-02-02T12:39:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's already February! I'm still adjusting to the fact that it's no longer 2009!

Every new month is a time to evaluate my goals and progress. By looking at a month at a time, it's much easier for me to see that I am losing weight, even if that particular week was a gain. (Thankfully, not this week!)

I am right on track. I've never been right on track EVER before on my weight loss journey. It feels amazing. So my goals for February are simple: to stay on track!

February goals:

(Continue to) Lose a pound a week. That will put me at 167 on March 1st. Wow! At 171 this is a completely new weight for me, and I love being here. I can't imagine what it'll feel like to be in the 160s!
Eat more homemade foods. I've been trying to eat less processed foods. I've made tomato soup for this week's lunches, and last week was homemade butternut squash soup. I would like to continue to eat non-Trader Joe's frozen foods for the rest of the month's lunches.
Eat within my calorie limit. This is always the hardest for me. I would like to have one week - a whole seven days - where I stay in my calorie range. I think that's too big of a goal for me at this point, though. So my February goal is to have three consecutive days where I eat within my calorie range.

Weekly weigh in (171.0)

2010-02-01T10:58:00.000-08:00

Last week's weight: 174.4
This week's weight: 171.0
This week's weight lost: -3.4
Total weight lost: 55.0

I didn't really lose 3 pounds in a week. My weight has been fluctuating rather radically the past two weeks. I am definitely somewhere between 171 and 174, but I'm not sure exactly where along that spectrum I really weigh in. I'm only going to be confident in the weight loss if I have a similar weigh in tomorrow.

At 171 I am exactly "on goal" for the year, which is exciting. I have been significantly less hungry because I can't work out right now, so eating 1200 calories a day has been very filling. Which is super unexpected. It seems that being injured is not all bad, and it's showing me that there are many different way to weight loss.
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Stressed and sweet

2010-01-27T13:23:00.000-08:00

Work is super stressful right now. We have a half dozen amazing time-intensive projects going on, and it's very hard to keep on track of everything. So hard, in fact, that I can not do it. Simply put, I'm stressed. (As a little disclaimer, I love to be stressed. So I really do love times like this.)

The problem with stress is I become distracted and overwhelmed, which prompts bad eating. Just half an hour ago, wondering how I'm going to be able to do all the things that need to be done in the next two hours, I was craving a cookie. If only I could go out and get something sweet, I told myself, I would return to work refreshed and be able to get this work done.

I made myself tea instead.

I kept working and am enjoying the delicious yogi tea I bought myself, saving money and calories today! I'm very proud of days like today. It makes me feel like this is a battle that will soon be less urgent and less demanding. Victories like this make me believe that one day I will be able to have a healthy relationship with food. Just one day of taking healthy over delicious or bad for me is a victory, and today marks the SECOND day I've overcome my temptations! Maybe getting injured is a blessing in disguise - I am now eating healthier than I ever was while exercising.

Yoga

2010-01-27T10:52:00.000-08:00

Since my mobility is severely limited, especially in comparison to my routine daily workouts, I did a yoga class earlier this week. Not only did it not leave my hip sore after (but boy did the rest of my body feel it!) it really inspired me. Ever since the yoga class I have tried to avoid processed and frozen foods, which is most of what I keep around, and my body seems to be feeling better energized. I made some homemade butternut squash soup and have been eating way more veggies than usual. Yummy!

Yesterday I had my second Tuesday evening class. During last week's class I was so exhausted and overwhelmed with the pain that I ate a lot more than I should have, and I was very proud with how I dealt with it yesterday. Studying at the cafe during dinner time, I responsibly only ordered a banana and ate the dinner I had planned. Passing up an opportunity to eat bread is really hard for me, and this is a HUGE accomplishment in my book!

Weight loss is a lot harder when you can't exercise, and I'm hoping to go to the doctor soon to get it all checked out. If nothing else, so that he can give me some strengthening exercises, because this sure does suck!

Weekly weigh in

2010-01-26T22:51:00.000-08:00

Whoops! Forgot to update with my weekly weigh in information. I even had it written out!

Last week's weight: 172.2
This week's weight: 174.4
This week's weight lost: +2.2
Total weight lost: 52.0

I'm not happy with a two pound gain, but I also know it's not the end of the world. Not working out has had a significant effect on me. I am not very good at keeping to the eating part of my diet, and I heavily supplement my weight loss routine with exercise. Mixed with the fact that I feel bored being stuck in the house, and have been eating out of boredom, I'm not surprised with the gain. But I hope the week will be better. (And it has!)

I wish...

2010-01-23T09:28:00.000-08:00

I wish I could have a healthy relationship with food. It's better now than it's ever been before, but I still obsess about my hunger level and the food I'm going to eat. I wish I could view food as a delicious nutrient, not something to satiate me during times of boredom and stress.

I wish I could leave food on my plate without a lot of thinking and indecision. I wish I could not obsess about taste. I wish it wasn't all about food. But it's always all about food for me. My birthday was celebrated with deliciousness, holidays are thought-out weeks in advance, and I adore cheese in huge amounts. I wish I innately understood portion control.

I wish I didn't gain 3 pounds this week.

When does a snack become a meal?

2010-01-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

My dessert after dinner is the same thing I eat for breakfast. Well, almost the same thing. I don't have butter with my breakfast, I eat it plain.

If I'm still hungry after dinner, I will eat a cinnamon raisin English muffin with butter. It tastes like dessert, has carbs (which I have a hard time eating enough of), and isn't too caloric. With only 160 calories, it is a great and filling after dinner.

The problem is that it's generally 160 calories after a full 400-500 calorie dinner. That makes my dinner and dessert half of my daily caloric budget. I would like to better balance my caloric intake throughout the day, but I know that come dinner time I'm going want to abandon the control I've let into my day.

I'll do portion control, but you can have four 100 calorie ice creams, and that's a whole meal through portion control. I'm good at putting the food in the bags, but I'm not good at making sure I only eat one.

A cookie is enough calories for a meal, but does it make it a meal? Popcorn is as filling with 300 less calories. When does a snack become a meal?

Limping along

2010-01-20T09:59:00.000-08:00

I am not a good sick person. I make a fuss. I don't work through the pain, I cry through it. I whimper and complain and don't get things done. Which is why it must be really irritating for friends and family that I'm still hurting.

Last night I ate within my calorie budget until the end of the night. After my class - which took me 20 minutes to limp the 3 blocks to - I was so exhausted and hungry from pain that I ate the sweets sitting on the table... and then some. Even in the moment I knew that I shouldn't be eating the delicious sugary concoctions, but I did it anyhow. I need to stop making excuses.

I am trying to relax so my body can heal quicker, so I did not exercise this morning. This gives me even less room to mess up during the day. I need to keep a strict diet (something I've never been good at) to continue my weight loss this week. I do not want to have pain as an excuse not to achieve my goals. I can do this! (I hope!)

Delicious snacking!

2010-01-19T13:32:00.000-08:00

I know I'm late to the game (or at least all my college friends claim I am), but I just found my new favorite snack - edamame (soybeans). They taste like they were roasted in butter and are a delicious low-calorie snack that are fun to eat. They make me feel like I'm eating luxuriously without "wasting" the calories.

Weekly weigh in

2010-01-18T13:27:00.000-08:00

WEIGHT: 172.2
TOTAL LOSS: 54.2

I'm going to start doing weekly weigh in on Monday. I've been doing this personally, but I might as well start doing it here too. I'll include a weekly loss next time, but I don't have the information from last week.

Remember Saturday, when I said that weight loss fluctuates? Well, my body sure did prove my point this week.

Yesterday I was 174.8. Today I am 172.2, which is an all-time low for me! Despite my limited appetite yesterday, I didn't simply lose 2.6 pounds in a day. Maybe I shouldn't trust the surprisingly high numbers, but it's always the low numbers I am skeptical of. I find it easier to blame myself for high numbers than trust the hard work I did for the low numbers.

So how did I lose over 2 pounds in a day? I have no answer, but I do have an idea. I eat a lot of sodium during the week because of all of the pre-packaged meals I eat. On weekends I try to compensate with more home-cooked foods. I think the two pound drop is simply no longer being full of salt, and thus not retaining water weight.

Of course it could just be my hard work paying off at the end of the week, but I find it hard to believe it. Maybe that's just because I'm not good at giving myself praise, despite the almost 55 pounds I've lost in the last year and a half.

Still hurt

2010-01-17T10:25:00.000-08:00

Four days after The Fall, and I'm still sore. Yesterday I went to the gym, trying to make up for the skipped work outs on Wednesday and Thursday, but I am afraid I did too much. An hour on the elliptical going slowly was thirty minutes too much. I think it's stunted my healing process because now I'm just as sore as I was on Friday.

My eating yesterday was great, but Friday's was not. Never the less I am surprised by this morning's weight: 174.8. When I saw the number, I was very unhappy with myself. I am grateful that I track my weight. I have a short-term weight memory. Whenever the number is stagnant for a week, the week feels like a month. When I put the weight into Spark People, I saw that 174.8 is a pound less than it was three weeks ago, during the holidays. I'll take the (small) loss, even if I had hoped for more from myself this weekend.

The view from my window is beckoning me to go outside, but sadly I don't think I'm going to be able to make it today. My hip is hurting simply from sitting.

Planning

2010-01-16T13:00:00.000-08:00

My weight loss journey has been successful for one reason: I plan.

I plan my work outs, I plan what food I'm going to eat, and I plan my weight loss goals.

I finished my 2010 calendar, and it looks like October 11th is going to be a big day for me. If I lose 1 pound a week, that is the week I'll be at my goal weight. I hope to be able to lose closer to 2 pounds a week, but I know the weight loss fluctuates because I am human. But a 1 pound a week loss is a very reasonable expectation, and it should be possible for me to reach this goal. Very exciting!

Taking a tumble: The Hill and Chinese Food

2010-01-15T13:43:00.000-08:00

I took a bit of a tumble down the hill (read HUGE MOUNTAIN) where I live on Wednesday morning. Trying to avoid a puddle, I slipped on the wet sidewalk next to it. On the ironic scale, pretty hilarious. On the pain scale, ouch! It hurt to move, but thankfully I walked away with nothing worse than some bruising. I avoided the gym later that day and the day following. I could barely walk. There was no way I could elliptical.

Yet, I was very excited about the opportunity to show the eating skills I've mastered. Despite the pain, I didn't let myself eat emotionally and even saw a loss the next morning!

Thursday, on the other hand, was pretty awful food-wise. I have a variety of trigger foods, and they can all be lumped into the same category: carbohydrates. I ordered chow fun while out at lunch with a lay leader, and ate responsibly. But then I got hungrier later that day, with delicious leftovers sitting in the fridge. Without enough forethought, I ate everything that was left!

But I'm feeling good about today, right now. I have been eating normally once again, with no more Chinese food to haunt my fridge. I love being able to start a new day!

2010 goals

2010-01-12T12:07:00.000-08:00

My goal for 2009 was to lose 52 pounds in 52 weeks. Weighing in at 175 on the week of my birthday, I am shy of my goal by 12 pounds, yet I am more successful than I ever imagined by virtue of the things I’ve learned in this last year.

Healthy eating simply feels better now than it ever did before. My body works better after a year of exercise and 40 pound loss. I feel healthier and happier, and I now am confident that I can create my own path and physique. I can care and sculpt my body like I would feed and trim a plant. A simple concept, but until this year, it was completely foreign to me.

In 2009 I started at 215 pounds, size 21, and unhappy with my body. Now in 2010 I am starting at 175 pounds, size 14, and excited about my body.

I am looking forward to the next year, but I still feel ambivalent about my 2010 goals. My goal weight (arbitrarily set) is 135 pounds, which is 40 pounds away from what I am at currently. Part of me feels like I now have more tools than I ever had before, and I should be able to get rid of 40 pounds within six months. The other part of me remembers than it just took me a year to shed 40 pounds, and I’m afraid that weight loss will become slower the closer I am to my goal weight. To be completely truthful, I am afraid that I won’t know how to eat at 135 pounds; I have to imagine losing weight at 145 is a lot different than losing it at 215.

Ultimately I know what my goals are, but I don’t know how quick I can achieve them.

My 2010 goals are:

Lose 40 pounds and be at my goal weight of 135. (I am most anxious about the next 20 pounds, which will put me at a “healthy” BMI weight)
Squeeze into a size 8. I would like to be able to be a size 6, but we’ll see how my body works looks and feels.
Take a dance class.
Set a fitness-related goal. (Maybe train to run a 5K?)
Learn how to improve my healthy cooking. I know some recipes, and I would love to learn more and new ones.
Feel pretty. I love that clothing options are opening up to me, and I want to explore and take risks with my clothes. (Also, I am pretty!)

Birthday

2010-01-07T13:00:00.000-08:00

Just a short post, because it's my birthday. My weight today is 175.0 (according to a scale that is not mine), which means I've met my holiday's goal, if not my year's goal. I'm quite alright with that. 40 pounds gone, and I feel great. Expect a larger update later in the week, when I'm done stuffing my face of birthday goodies!

What I've gained in 2009

2009-12-31T12:35:00.000-08:00

It's almost 2010, which means I have been at this weight loss thing for almost a year! As the year comes to a close, I wanted to do a list of what I've gained in 2009. On (or maybe the day after) my birthday, which is when I officially began this journey last year, I think I'm going to look at the goals I set for myself, what I achieved, and what the next year has in store for me.

In 2009 I:

Lost 40 pounds. Okay, it's not my goal of 52 (which I technically still have a week left to complete), but it's still pretty darn fantastic. I have lost a total of 50 pounds!
Discovered I love to exercise. When I began this journey, I never expected to enjoy my daily trips to the gym, dance floor, or grassy hiking hill. I thought exercise is what skinny people did, and I sure as heck don't come from a skinny family - so that sure couldn't be me! Yet, I really like my early morning routine of dancing on the elliptical. It's relaxing, helps me focus my day's intentions, and gives me more energy during the day.
Learned how to balance carbohydrates, protein, and other nutrients, and learned what a 400 calorie meal looks like. This is by far the hardest part of this year. Eating correctly is a huge challenge for me. My family lives for food, and I definitely appreciate all things unhealthy. But I've muddled through it by using my calorie counters and trying to make good choices. It's not going to taste as good as being thin feels.
Was inspired. I am so grateful to have friends on the road with me who inspire me. Many are also on this weight loss journey, and they have helped and supported me through this all. And they're all so amazing!
Lowered my resting heart rate. This is simply something I've noticed while on the elliptical - my heart rate has been slowly lowering despite increasingly intense workouts. I am happy to say my weight loss journey is making me healthier all the way around!
Can now shop in "normal" sized stores. This was a BIG one for me. I am now the largest size they have, but it doesn't matter! I am learning to be stylish and appreciate my new shape. I can't wait to be able to shop at the various San Francisco boutiques!
Dropped from a size 21 to size 14. As the fat has melted away, my curves have become more curvy. I am now able to shop at the stores, and feel great about my strong body. I look forward to it being stronger and looking even better.
I have collar bones and other hidden features. Who knew that I was missing parts of my body? From calves to cheek bones, it's amazing what is coming into focus as I lose weight. Including a smaller belly button!
I feel healthier. I didn't know that you weren't supposed to have a stomach ache after each meal - I thought that's how your stomach told you that your body was full! I am learning my body's needs and limits through this process, and it makes me appreciate my flexibility, stamina, strength, balance, and digestion much more than I ever have before. I simply feel better and healthier!

I'm off to Michigan for a week to visit family! Thankfully, I am going to get a week-long pass to the gym, and I hope to maintain my 175 pounds during the week. I'll try to check in, but no promises. I will be busy and happy with the family.

Happy new year!

My 400 calorie lunch

2009-12-28T12:48:00.000-08:00

My 400 calorie lunch includes:

Turkey sandwich
1.5 ounces of turkey (2 slices)
1/5 of an avocado
1/2 tablespoon of fancy delicious oil
1 Orowheat Sandwich Thins
Calories: 255

Carrots
1 bag of Bolthouse Farms pre-packaged baby carrots
Calories: 25

Sweet potato
1/2 of sweet potato I cooked last night and heated
Calories: 125
(Calories are approximate for the yam; no one has calorie info for an actual yam not cut up)

TOTAL CALORIES: 405

That's pretty darn good for 3 different things on my plate. I am loving the Orowheat Thins. They taste good and provide for my bread fixation. And darn that yam was good. Such a delicious, low-calories, and healthy dessert!

Edit
The plate is super big. It was a hearty lunch, just a large plate diminishes it's size. I swear!

Oh holidays, oh holidays

2009-12-26T12:35:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about family dinners, holiday parties, and being home, just like everyone else who is trying to lose weight. My (terrible) plan for eating this holiday season: not have one.

It's not a very healthy plan, and it's not the best, but I've given myself a rest... month. I simply don't know how to count calories and stay motivated while not maintaining my routine. It's terrible, I know. I just feel like I just need a rest, though.

I am excited to start up again after I return from Michigan in early January. I can't wait to have my cooking, working, and exercise routine back. This is similar to those who start their plans on January 1, but at least I know the steps now.

Hope you all are enjoying this holiday season.

At the gym

2009-12-24T12:12:00.000-08:00

For years I avoided the gym. I was afraid that people would judge me, and I was afraid that everyone else would be beautiful and fit. The first day I went to the gym last year, I was surprised that more than half of the gym was filled with other lumpy people.

Every morning I train alongside other beautiful swishy people, many of whom are losing weight or somehow improving their bodies, rather than maintaining fitness they already have.

In some ways, the gym is a great support community for fellow lumpy people, which seriously surprised me. I had always thought of the gym as somewhere only fit people go.

I work out in the Financial District of San Francisco every morning. Recently, while house sitting, I went to the Marina gym and (personal) awkwardness ensued.

First, there were mirrors everywhere. I don't want to stare at myself for 30 minutes at a time normally, and especially not while I'm sweaty and gross.

Second, I felt completely out of my league.

The Marina gym had a bunch of body builders, fit stay-at-home moms, and others who had nice arms, small asses, and matching track suits. Thankfully after a year of being at a gym, I felt like I belonged here too. I did not feel self conscious as I climbed on the elliptical in my stained wife beater, roughed up gym pants, and unshaven legs (hey, it's winter!), and then - of course - started dancing to all the good songs.

Despite my lack of shame at going to the Marina, I really prefer my Financial District gym. I like the homey feeling with my fellow lumpy people.

Oh goodness

2009-12-23T13:01:00.001-08:00

Did I really just down 4 chocolate chip cookies? I don't even like chocolate! I'm so frustrated with myself. I see myself spiraling into the waiting mode. I simply know I'll be back to my routine in just a few weeks, and somehow that justifies getting out of my routine now. It's very frustrating.

Fried onions

2009-12-17T21:54:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but fried onions are not my friend.

I had a terrible eating day, culminating with drinks and terrible-ness with the co-workers at end of day. While my lunch didn't break the calorie bank, those fried onions sure did. I really need to learn moderation.

I am afraid to weigh myself in the morning, but I feel I should. I really need to get a better handle on my eating during this holiday season.

Another day

2009-12-17T10:27:00.000-08:00

You know what's great about today? It's a new day!

I was thinking about overeating yesterday (and, I'll admit it, the day before), and considering not only what I could have done differently, but why it happened. Most importantly, I think I needed to use my resources and connections. I should have called S, a friend who has lost 25 pounds in 6 months! She would have given me a chance to voice my feelings toward food and life, and then talk me out of eating that last soft pretzel. I also need to be more intentional about food (and life in general). If I had noticed I was feeling lonely, and that's why I was eating, I would have been able to stop that thought process IN PROCESS, rather than recognizing it during reflection later. I feel proud that I figured out what caused overeating yesterday, even if it was after the food was consumed. Recognizing my triggers helps me stop them. And I haven't had a really fat day in a while.

A Fat Day for me isn't feeling fat, but acting fat. I sacrificed my body for my emotions yesterday. I ate until I felt ill (and spent a bitof money doing it) because I felt lonely. Acting fat is emotional eating mixed with bad food choices, and unhealthy decisions.

Ironically, I didn't need to feel lonely. I had a support system in place for this exact situation, I just forgot about it and didn't use it. By being intentional about what I do and think, I hopefully will be able to similar situations. I am lucky to know who I know, have what I have, and live this great life.

Fat and lonely

2009-12-16T20:53:00.000-08:00

Had a fat day today. I was about to say unprompted by any emotional trigger, but I realize now I was feeling lonely. Still not worth the calories, or - more precisely - the feeling of I'm About To Throw Up that excess eating caused.

I look forward to tomorrow being another day, where I get to make new choices.

For now, I'm just feeling sick and I'm going to bed.

Sleep

2009-12-13T17:09:00.000-08:00

I had a really fun time last night, staying out until 3 a.m. And I had to be at my best friend's family house at 11 a.m. this morning to help decorate the tree. (As a Hanukkah celebrator, I sadly had no tree to decorate myself, so I steal his traditions.) I ended up only getting a little more than 5 hours of sleep.

I haven't been sleep deprived like this since I was in college. And there was a reason I was 226 pounds in college. When I am in need of sleep I am constantly hungry, and will eat everything in sight. (Okay, that's not the only reason I was 226 pounds in college, but it probably didn't help.)

So I made myself wait until a respectable dinner hour (5 p.m.) to eat. I have been hungry for dinner since 3 p.m. But I ate lunch at 1 p.m. I see an early bedtime in my future so I don't eat all the food in the house.

Working it

2009-12-11T12:25:00.000-08:00

I work out to lose weight. I do what they tell you not to, and exercise on the same machine (the elliptical) every morning. I know I should shake it up and work different muscles every week, but I like dancing on the elliptical to some great music on my iPod. I figure that I don't need to change it up until either my muscles start to feel sore or I reach my goal weight (and want to build muscle).

For every five pounds I lose, I try to change the settings on the elliptical. Sometimes I do, and sometimes it's still too difficult. I know that I need to increase my activity and decrease my caloric intake to compensate for my lower weight. So, without trying to, I have increased my fitness level.

I started on the elliptical at a Level 8 incline and Level 6 resistance. I am now at a 9 incline and 11 resistance. And I am burning about the same amount of calories as I was 50 pounds ago - in the same amount of time - which is incredible! It feels great to be more fit and healthy all the way around!

Goal weight

2009-12-09T08:51:00.000-08:00

One of the big reasons I love losing weigh is all the clothes I now can fit into. There is still more to come (e.g. boutiques which offer clothes only in smaller sizes), but it's been an exciting process. I also have loved how much healthier I look and feel.

With all these small goals and changes in my life - daily exercise, shopping at "normal" shops, eating healthier - I haven't devoted too much thought to what my final goal weight. As someone who has never been thin in my life, I have no idea what I will look like at 160 pounds, much less 140. I have never tried on a size 12 dress, nor have I ever fit in a medium shirt.

I have arbitrarily picked 135 as my goal weight. It's somewhere between the low (114) and high (154) of the healthy part of my BMI chart. I don't necessarily have a desire to be a size 2 (and I don't think I could sustain that), but I want to be far enough from the high end of the BMI chart to have some breathing room. Maybe I'll be really happy at 150, or it might be 120. I simply have no clue and I can't wait to find out in the coming year.

Kristen over at Low Fat Dressing talked about this some on her Monday post. This is the first time I've felt that I have a choice in what my body looks like. I have all these options, and I can't wait to "try" them on. I look forward to being in Kristen's shoes, where I actively like my body, not just accept and love its functions. I want to be able to know what my preferred shape looks like, instead of simply having an idea in my head. What an exciting journey!

Redefining goals

2009-12-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

50 pounds gone! Of that, I lost 40 pounds since the beginning of this year.

With only a few weeks left until my birthday, I've realized that I won't be able to meet my goal of 52 pounds in 52 weeks, which is okay. This year has been a huge learning experience for me, and it took me some time to understand the tools at my disposal and properly use them. I will feel like a superstar if I'm 175 on my birthday, which I'm less than a pound from right now.

I've been trying to decide what I will do with my next year. Will I continue the pound a week challenge until I hit my goal weight (around 135), or should I continue to try to lose 1.5-2 pounds a week? I am so eager to be on the "healthy" spectrum on the BMI chart, I can barely wait. A little more than 20 pounds to go!

Lunch

2009-12-04T14:45:00.001-08:00

To best track my food and save money, I bring lunch to work every day. I try to make a homemade meal a week. Lately I've been tracking my spending and have been exasperated on how much I spend on food. Buying a frozen bag of noodles and sauce at Trader Joe's - which lasts me 3 days - is much cheaper than a lot of the casseroles, burgers, soups, and sandwiches I make myself. The sodium counts on these processed foods is high, and my body does not react kindly to it. I've been trying balance cost with nutrition, and have been falling short. Healthy options are often expensive!

I've been buying a lot of frozen vegetables lately, pictured above. These too are expensive, but less so than their fresh versions (that are not currently in season). It comes out to approximately $1 per serving, because I generally eat two servings at a time of my veggies, which is a good price for a snack or meal side.

I make quite a few cheap meals, but none of which can be easily brought and kept at work. My favorite transportable meal thus far has been chicken kabobs. I have been eating significantly more meat since I began this journey, and I feel guilty for eating meat every day. But it's a nice low-calorie protein source that feels me up.

Any suggestions?

Dinner

2009-12-02T12:00:00.000-08:00

Consistently, I eat great during the day and then bust out the calories during the evening. I don't know why I can't keep track during dinner, but I keep eating even after I finish the meal I've planned for myself. In my mind it's something small, but I shouldn't overeat by even 100 calories.

I need to plan my dinners better. When I don't plan my meals, I don't eat well. Which is what makes the holiday season so hard. Or, you know, life.

Eating 3 pounds a day

2009-11-30T12:42:00.000-08:00

Holy buckets! Michael Phelps eats 8,000 to 10,000 calories a day! I wish I could get away with half of that!

Deliciously stuffed

2009-11-30T09:31:00.001-08:00

Remember all those things I said about responsible eating during Thanksgiving? You can ignore them. Thanksgiving was great; the weekend after Thanksgiving was deliciously stuffed.

My mom made homemade popcorn, beer cheese soup, more stuffing (my favorite), and turkey sandwiches. I also discovered non-chocolate oreos, which I love. I didn't go completely crazy, but I definitely felt like I should be rolling rather than walking to my bed.

I love my family to death and feel so blessed to be able to spend this Thanksgiving with them. One trip down, and three more holiday trips to go: Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Years. I'm excited to spend so much time with my family, despite the "diet" setbacks. My family is well worth the potential slip-ups, and it gives me an opportunity to see how much I have changed, and look at what I still need to work on.

Valley of cheese and love

2009-11-28T10:52:00.000-08:00

It's the land of food here at my parents' house. The cupboards are packed full of canned goods, the two fridges of cheeses and other delicious dairy products, and the two freezers of rice, ice cream, and bread. My brother, then six, gave my mother a card one year that said, "Valley of cheese", and it's a fairly accurate description - the cheese drawer is packed so full of different types of cheeses, that there could easily have an additional shelf in the fridge dedicated to brie, havarti, and all of the specialties you'll find in the kitchen.

Despite the valley of cheese, finding breakfast in the house is fairly difficult. My family rarely eats breakfast, and when they do it's generally eggs and potatoes. I'm not a cook, and can't make the delicious family potato recipe, and I'm sick and tired of eggs. So this morning I chose of the four kinds of veggie burgers we have in the freezers.

It's odd being back at home with a different food consciousness. My parents - all three of them - are very accommodating. Despite my favorite peppermint ice cream in the freezer, cheese in the fridge, and delicious food I won't buy or can't afford everywhere else, I am feeling healthy at home. I just put smaller portions on my plate, and supplement what I eat with a box of clementines I brought.

The only problem is the sheer number of parents I have, all of whom want to feed me. My Jewish father and my adoring mothers both show love through food. The only food choice I haven't been happy with is eating dinner twice yesterday. It's hard to say no to food as love, but I just ate some homemade challah, a bit of rice, and a small serving of fish. Smaller portions have just as much love as big ones.

The day after

2009-11-27T08:46:00.001-08:00

I generally feel terrible about my eating mistakes just hours after the experience. Sometimes the frustration creeps up the next day. But here I am, morning after Thanksgiving, feeling wonderful!

I'm not counting calories this weekend because I've become obsessive about eating 450 calorie meals for breakfast and lunch, and then pretending calories don't exist after 3 p.m. Instead, I'm trying to be very conscious about eating what's good for me and limiting portion size. With health as a motivator, it keeps me from over indulging on Chinese food at night.

I did not feel stuffed after Thanksgiving dinner, which was my goal of the night. I had been thinking about this evening for awhile, and how I would properly "handle" it, and I think I followed all of my expectations for myself, which were:

Small portions of everything. This way I don't feel deprived (which contributes to binging), but also am eating healthy. I had a little stuffing, a little mashed potatoes, a little turkey, and half my plate was green beans.
Don't take seconds. Or thirds. Or fourths. In my "former life", I wouldn't have stopped on plate one. I would have likely gotten up from the table many times to fill up on thousands of calories of stuff (which is easy to do at 300 calories per half cup). The only thing I took seconds of was steamed green beans - I figured that was okay.
Prepare for the meal by eating. I had both breakfast (bagel & lox - delicious!) and lunch (gnocci, apple, and jerky) so that when I arrived at dinner I wouldn't be starved and eat everything in sight. I also had an unplanned snack of humus and wheat thins, and brie and crackers, but I had conservative portions and - most importantly of all - enjoyed myself!
Don't sit by the snack table. I ate a bit more brie and crackers than I would have wanted during appetizers (not SO much, but enough), so next year my new rule is don't put myself in a place where I can stuff my face so easily.
Enjoy myself. The more I concentrate on who is in the room, and enjoy their company, the less I eat. Enthralled by a great story, singing along to lesbian guitar solos, or just laughing until my sides hurt keeps me from taking another chip.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My blessings this year are too numerous to recount, but I'd like to share one with you: I am grateful to have this great body that lets me move and shake and lose 50 pounds, and have a great community that supports me along the way. Thank you!

DRESSing for work

2009-11-16T13:06:00.000-08:00

Fat girls have their own sense of style. They accent their curves, and draw most attention to their tops. As someone who has never been able to fill out shirts in the bust, fat shopping was always one more frustrating thing on my list of Things I Will Not Miss When I Am No Longer Overweight.

Since slimming down I’ve been exploring fashion. Not only can I purchase clothing more easily, but things are also more comfortable to wear. My thighs don’t rub nearly as much, my tights don’t rip as quickly, and with less weight on the soles of my feet, heels aren’t as painful.

In the past year, I have only once before gone to work in a dress. But now I find it more comfortable, freeing, stylish, and SUPER FUN! I look forward to the new clothing I will be able to buy and try on when I drop one more size and am able to shop at practically any store!

This is what I wore to work today. The dress and small wedge heels (I know, not a very good pic) are both super cheap finds from Marshalls. And I finally fit into tights!

Taco weight loss system

2009-11-12T20:10:00.000-08:00

My friend just started the Nutrisystem, which sends people pre-packaged meals that they add fruits and veggies to. You order for 28 days at a time, and the program follows a low-calorie meal plan. Despite the fact that I restrict my calories, I know that this plan would never work for me.

I like flexibility. Even when I plan out what I’m going to eat, I don’t necessarily eat it. I like substituting things and mixing it all around. I’ll eat lunch for breakfast and breakfast for lunch.

I also am amazed by how much I’ve learned on this journey. I am currently enjoying what tastes like deep-friend tacos from my good friend Trader Joe, and after 8 of them I still have calories left in my daily budget. I would have written these tacos off before, and assumed that the enchiladas in the freezer would be better for me. I would have been wrong. (I also would have eaten a whole BIG bag of potato chips, among other fat things.)

I now know about fiber, portion size, fat, calories, and protein – and that’s just a sampling! I know what full feels like! Before I only knew what being stuffed felt like. If I wasn’t hurting from the food I just had, I would be going back for seconds, or thirds, or fourths. I don’t think I could have learned that from NS.

Yet, I feel like you could learn those things from NS, and more importantly, I think the system begins a journey that someone is taking. I can see the advantages of the program: you know everything they give you is "safe", taking out the stress of figuring out what is "okay" and what is not. It is so important to take those first steps and just deciding to make a change. I am really proud of my friend for taking charge of her health by riding her bike to the grocery store and trying to eat properly. Hopefully the food doesn’t taste half bad and she too is enjoying her dinner as much as I am.

You gotta move it, move it

2009-11-11T19:35:00.000-08:00

Tonight is the first time this week that I’ve been home before 10 p.m., and this is not at all unusual. My professional and social obligations keep me out late at night, yet I almost always manage to wake up in time for the gym. Almost.

I work out in the morning to avoid possible scheduling conflicts. The later in the day it gets, the easier it is to simply not go to the gym. Opportunities, dates, work comes up, and I stay away from the elliptical machine.

Despite my 6:30 a.m. wake up time, I am not a morning person. My alarm is set a whole hour before I must roll out of bed so that the multiple times I hit the snooze don’t keep me from exercising.

Yet, I really do enjoy working out in the evening. I feel more energized after my work out, and more coherent during the day. I am considering changing my work out schedule, but I’m afraid that if I exercise during the evening it will become more of a suggestion and less of a routine.

I think that once I move from my apartment and blow all of my money on that project, I am going to sign myself up for dance classes. The problem – as always – is that I don’t know what type of classes I want to take. Salsa? Bhangra Indian dancing? Samba? Belly dancing? Hip hop? Ballroom? Swing? I love all forms of dance, and each one appeals to me in a unique way. I have been paralyzed by choice, just as I often am paralyzed by choice in the toothpaste aisle. I just need to go ahead and close my eyes and just dance.

Breaking through my plateau

2009-11-08T13:04:00.000-08:00

I really wish I could say that for the past two weeks I've hit a plateau, but that's simply not true. I've been gaining weight. The first few days were entirely my fault - I wasn't eating anywhere near my calorie goal - but then my body just kept gaining after I reigned in my eating. This was really hard for me. I easily resort to self-depreciating "fat thinking", which often motivates me to quit. Despite this, I worked through it, ate and exercised correctly and ... gained weight.

It was so disheartening to see my weight climbing above 180 the morning after I should have seen a half a pound drop (according to calories in-calories out calculation). But I kept on keeping on.

This morning my weight was suddenly back! I am now under 180, again. But I feel as if my body is playing tricks on me.

Yesterday I ate nothing but crap. I had chocolate, cookies, brie (delicious), blue cheese (oh goodness yummy!), some huge burger wrap thing, among others. And this morning is when I saw the loss.

It makes some sort of evil sense, though. As SparkPeople says, when you hit a plateau you can jump start your weight loss by: nutrition, rest, and variation. Maybe the chocolate yesterday was the variation I needed. Plus, I let my body rest and didn't work out, which I've been doing religiously since the gain.

SparkPeople has a lot of great information on their site about fitness in their "Pitfalls and Plateaus Section" other than the plateau 3-part article I mentioned. A few I picked at random: 4 signs It's Time to Change Your Workout, and Are You Cheating Yourself At the Gym?

I am stylish?!

2009-10-28T19:04:00.000-07:00

I caught a glimpse of myself in my apartment’s lobby mirror, and then I had to look again – I look like a typical young adult: stylish, professional, and happy! I’m no longer look the part of the “fat girl” (though I do think it). Breaking out of the “obese” category, both for BMI and clothing sizes (size 14), has allowed me to do a lot more things that I’ve never done before.

Some of the firsts:

I went shopping and discarded clothing because it didn’t look good on me. I used to buy everything that fit, because it was so rare they made clothes in my size.
I liked going shopping. Shopping is much more fun with stylish choices that fit me.
I am paying attention to style. Fat women have their own style by accentuating their curves. While my bottom is very curvy, my top is lacking, and most “fat” women styles don’t work for me. I’ve really enjoyed being able to pay attention to style blogs and then go out and buy the item in the store!
I wore a dress. I’ve worn dresses before, but only during fancy occasions. I hated how my legs looked in them, and I hated how my thighs rubbed. With much less thigh, there is much less rub, and the dress was very comfortable. I look forward to buying more work dresses!
I’ve reached my weight loss goal every week this month. This is because I got it through my thick skull that I can “uneat” calories by working out, but the only way to do that is by counting ALL my calories. I am super excited by my success this month.

20% gone!

2009-10-24T16:22:00.000-07:00

I’m still here! I’ve been focusing on different weight-loss priorities recently. Instead of blogging about my journey, I’ve been living my journey – something that feels new and different. I have successfully met my weigh-in goals two weeks in a row, and I’m lining up for a third successful week. This is the first time I’ve had consistently met my goals in a very long time, and it feels good.

I have started tracking everything I eat, which is new. I used to track to make sure I didn’t go over my calorie goal, but the moment I went over 1550 – game over. Once I started tracking everything I ate, even when it went over 1550, I realized that I can take back some of those calories by exercising. I can still reach my week’s calorie and weight loss goals, even if a day went poorly.

While this means I have been exercising a lot more, especially on weekends, it also means that I am more confident about my weight loss – and begin to believe that I can actually reach my goals. This self confidence is amazing and has completely changed how I feel about this journey. Suddenly I’m winning this race, rather than being the last runner on the team. (I do realize that running the race at all is amazing.)

As of this morning, I have lost 45 pounds, which is approximately 20% of my original weight! I hope to be under 180 by the end of next week, which is really exciting. I’m pushing against new boundaries daily; almost every day, I weigh less than I ever had in my young/adult life.

I love me

2009-10-14T21:30:00.000-07:00

Despite today's challenges, it's been a good day. When a fellow bus passenger tried to pick a fight with me and used me as a backrest and spoke rudely about me to fellow passengers, I just put some good music on my iPod and danced right there on the bus. I accomplished a lot in preparation of tomorrow's big event at work. I did my job - and I did it well. Yet I told myself at least once, "I Hate You."

I don't mean to be hurtful or negative to myself, and I often say it to myself when I'm not even unhappy with myself. I say it just because it's my basic emotion toward myself. I try to believe that my body is a temple, but more times than not I think of my body as the dirt on the temple floor. I've been trying to change this thought process, but it's hard. Generally when, "I hate you" pops into my head, I'm surprised and don't know what brought on those thoughts.

SparkPeople has a section for Emotional Eaters (called Mind Over Body Fat, which I think is hilarious), and I started going through it this evening. Their first "step" in ending emotional eating is "Put 'I' in Your Vocabulary": "If you have persistent difficulty actually exercising like you know you need to, for example, you probably don't describe this problem to yourself with thoughts that begin with the pronoun 'I'." And it's true. I never say, "I hate me." I always say, "I hate you." I am very proud of myself, and love myself a lot. It's that external demon that I hate. I need to learn to say, "I love me" instead of this negative crap.

The goods of the day: I ate 1,210 calories. Rockin' it. Am awesome at my job. Had an AMAZING work out this morning. Got home early from a meeting and got to do laundry (which is a huge relief!). My life completely rocks right now!

I am no longer obese

2009-10-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

Back in July I created rewards for myself. Every time I drop 5 pounds I get something fun. To prove how slow my progress is, this weekend was my first reward - a manicure. And to add to the joy, at 184 pounds, I am no longer obese! I weighed in at 185.0 on Friday and rewarded myself, and hopped on the scale on Monday to see a beautiful non-obese weight. I will hopefully hit "Healthy" right after my birthday (154 pounds).

I know that the BMI index is not accurate for everyone, especially not the muscled and fit people in our lives. Yet, I find it a helpful metric. As someone who has been fat my entire life, I have no concept of healthy for my body. I only know how to be fat. But finally - for the first time in my life - I am no longer obese! I am pretty excited. Now I'm just "over weight". I'm pretty sure the BMI was set up to make women feel lousy (over weight? really? I just dropped 40 pounds!), but all the same I'm dancing in my seat.

Resources

2009-10-07T12:13:00.000-07:00

I read a few weight loss blogs because knowing that others are with me in this journey helps keeps me motivated. My real life weight loss partner, A - for all his loveliness - is a guy who never gave a thought about weight and size until he started losing weight himself. I think it takes a woman's (or attentive guy's) perspective to relate to the years of being fat and not being able to shop in stores, and the yearning to look something closer to the magazine covers than my (at the time) 300 pound mother.

Prior Fat Girl is a blog I've recently begun reading. She loves posting pictures, which is helpful when I don't really want to read content. She's currently doing a giveaway for 101 Things To Do Before You Diet. The book looks like a strategy on how to live a normal life. Many of the fat women I know avoid things just because of their weight. They don't go out shopping, swimming, hiking, or simply out and about with friends. Their shame of self is so overpowering it prevents them from interacting with their community. Yet, these women could be normal and having fun - if they'd let themselves be out there. Being happy and comfortable are the two best gifts you can give yourself, I believe. And you can't be happy without your community. I ultimately believe that the key of weight loss is simply being happy with yourself, and treating your body like the temple it is - and from the little I've seen of this book (reviews, etc.), 101 Things To Do Before You Diet seems to affirm this idea.